A Nikon, a fender stratocaster, Chiranjeevi, my dad and other stories.

All of us so-called humans have two basic operating modes. Side A and Side B. Side A is characterized by a docile, harmless demeanor and Side B, is, well, the same thing with a lot of Red Bull and Vodka. If you still are at a loss, then "Side A mein bajta hai. Side B mein bajata hai." (Any attempt to translate this would, well, defuse the effect.)

Side A:

It is true.

You don't need an awesome product to make your life better. In fact, I agree. It is a waste of money. Wait. Make that a huge waste of money. The innuendo being the purchase of a Nikon yesterday. Maybe it is a 'passing fancy' and it sure like hell won't help me earn any money. I am not even an amateur photographer by any standards, and frankly, the Nikon is to me what a Bugatti Veyron is to a guy learning the bicycle.

The same goes for almost any product. Human minds are strange. The question "Do I really need this stuff?" often is used to convince ourselves of the opposite. Why? I mean, if a guy really wants something and he can afford it without killing anyone, let him have it, I say. Why should he consider the world's economics, the consequences of his instinctive folly, etc. etc. ?

Also, I will never understand why 'growing up' has something to do with forgetting all that you promised yourself when you were, say, five or six years old. Maybe inside us, there really is the most awesome guitarist, artist, photographer, poet, pilot, bus conductor or whatever we dream of, and it's only because of this stupid growing up thingy which brings in ego, occasional diarrhea, and other unnecessary evils, that we decide somewhere down the line to join the rest of humanity in leading a 'normal' life. Normal to me is going out and winging it. No matter what it is.

Okay, at this point, all the wives will argue that they have to save for the future. You never know what is going to happen. Which is exactly my point. When you don't know what is going to happen, then why save at all?? I mean, you can save enough to lead the same kind of existence that you are used to, but if you earn more than that, wing it boys. I think I have spoken for all the men out there who want to buy something which they've always wanted, something which will make them awesome in their own eyes, something which they know is a 'passing fancy' but would be more than glad to let it pass over them, balls to bones.

Concluding this, I just would like to say that I did what I've always wanted to. I feel good about myself.

























Side B:

Fuck you. Watch me.

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Very disturbed. Very depressed today. I feel like calmly going out for a stroll and killing a couple of people, without straining my back in the process. I really really need to get out of myself. Or, maybe I just need to find that something which will hold my interest for longer than 3 minutes. I scoured the web today for all the certification courses that are left for me to do and sadly, there are none. Maybe it's time I got that hair transplant thingy done. Maybe I should really get out and meet more people. But then again, they all remind me of someone or the other I had already met and made a mental note not to meet again at that time. Maybe I do really hate people, as is the general opinion of the masses. Or maybe as someone from Bangalore once put it in a very casual, non-interfering way, I am one of the biggest bastards ever. Maybe I need to be more tolerant, more of an actor instead of just being plain blunt and showing what I feel on my face (or my trousers - circumstance dependent metric). I am tired of doing nothing, depressed with being happy all the time, and have had it with those 'intellectually stimulating conversations' to last a lifetime. Wait. Make that two. Maybe this is what happens to people when they are alone, they are confused.
I really fail to see any meaning in me anymore. I am either searching in the wrong places or there isn't any meaning anywhere. What is it that I want to do in my life? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to meet? Aah....it is all bull. What I need is a person who can play the tabla. Can anyone help me with this? Please email me at aditya.jammi@gmail.com in case any of you guys know anyone who can play the tabla in Hyderabad.
Thanks.

My Best Blog Post Ever.

Oh.

Weimaraner

If I were a dog, I would have been that.

It's a Sunday. I have a hangover. I'm stinking of rum. Speaking of which, here is a little thought.

There was once a bridge connecting a small town. Because of the flash floods, the bridge was completely submerged. A car driver, who wanted to cross the bridge, asked a boy sitting on the bank about the depth of the water. The boy said it would not be more than six inches. The driver drove the car only to get washed away. Later, when someone asked the boy as to why he had said six inches, he replied, "Well, I saw a bunch of ducks passing by, and they seemed to calmly walk across the bridge."

The question here, is how many times in your life have you been the boy on the bank? How many times did you presume that you 'knew' a situation before reacting to it? Interesting, eh?

*Source: Chatterji uncle.

And woke up with this thought:

There are many people on this planet. Some are born to rule, some, to rock, few follow their dreams, many aim to please, some will only cheat, one or two will always take the heat, but there are very few, and I mean limited in phonetics, who are born just for the heck of it.

How is everyone doing?

Hohumdrumaticism.

Tired? Bored? Depressed? Job screwing you? Can't cook for nuts? Can't do shit about your most awesome non-existent sex life? Have marathon bouts of 'running' temperature and nose? Then here is the answer!

Errr.....two answers, actually.

One. You can pay me 10,000 dollars in cash and I shall give you the ultimate question.

Two. Take your dad down memory lane. I did it last weekend. Drove down to a town called Kakinada, where he grew up. Took pictures of his school, college, the place where he used to hang out, their house, etc.,etc.


I apologize to all the people out there who have cursed, ordered, requested, emailed, called, threatened me to write. But you know, what do you call it? Writer's block. Heh heh.

In other news, single men are better than married men. Because if you are married, your wife is doing everything for you apart from letting you have the idea that you are "responsible". Now, let's see you come back to that, Mr. X the Gyasshole (An asshole basically, unfortunately a gyani too.). (Whoa! Looks like I'm on a coining spree today!)

Ahem. My birthday came and went. Everybody else just came. As in, they arrived. Physically. Went to Golkonda, and was pleasantly surprised by N.K, taking us to the Nizam Saab's house. Nice jam, it was. Next time, let's go drunk. Maybe we'll sound better.

And yeah, this post is dedicated to Nisha and Ajit's wedding anniversary. Good on you guys, I'm sorry I'm a bit late (3 months, I think), but you know me.

OK. Now to A.C for the comment in "Arcane". Dude, let me tell you a small story, which might even be mine:

There was one a man. He had a job, a secure environment to live in (Not like me, I barely make ends meet and am struggling with only two cars and only one house and only two laptops and only one katana.....) and was generally the equivalent of what you might call a good bloke. And as is the general nature of this world, everything is expected to be hunky dory with all these good blokes.
But such was not the case with our man. There was always some unrest, some internal angst, some questions he needed answered to feel inner peace, which is basically the feeling that you should technically get after 4 rounds of JackD + coke followed by Vanilla ice-cream with hot chocolate sauce, but then, to each his own. So this guy one day says to himself, "fuck it all! I've had enough of this dreary meaningless mechanical existence!!! I want to live, but what is it to live? I will ask god." So, he promptly gave god a missed call as he was on a prepaid account and was a little hard pressed on credit, and, exactly after 57,624,9017, 34 missed calls, god called back. And so, our man asked god the meaning of his life. God paused. Our man asked him why he was there on earth, his purpose. God paused. The persistent protagonist that he was, he finally asked god, "Why was I born?". God got tired of pausing. He said, "Because your parents had sex."
QED.

In a world of mediocrity, excellence is a curse. In a relative world, absolute thought, a crime. Need I say more?

The Chronicles of Hernia: Prince Thespian

OK. The list is finally out. And the ranking, based on a world wide survey (I don't think it was world wide, they dint ask me) is as follows:

1. Batman
2. Spider man
3. Superman
4. Wolverine
5. Iron man

Maybe this post should have been called "How to be a superhero for dummies", but then, that wouldn't have made sense as much as the current title makes. Anyway, way back in college, we had names for each of us ranging from the "Incredible Ice Cream Melting Man" to "Big Fat Man". Yes, it's the same Big Fat Man, though the IICM man is now married and too busy to be the IICM man. So anyway, here is how you too can become a superhero.

1. Buy your undies carefully. They should be made of Kevlar or any other indestructible compound, be rust proof, bullet proof, weather and temperature proof and able to accommodate various gadgets other than your own. They should also be available in bright color options. IMPORTANT!!! Make sure you take a mighty leak before you go on any world saving missions.
2. You can choose to be masked or you could choose the look, like superman or wolverine. If in case you choose the look, make sure you have a good barber for the hairstyle and beard shaping. In case of a mask, you should design it on your own. It should also incorporate all the qualities of your undies but make sure you can breathe properly. In all cases though, your dentist should be damn good.
   
3. You should always have an alter ego who has the IQ of a toothbrush. He/she should always have a first and a last name and your entire name should only consist of two words, for example, Clark Kent, Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker, Tony Stark.
   
4. Some sacrifices are in order. Your love life, given your undies, will be lousier than lousy. Sorry about that mate, but you will always have an amazingly good looking chick / hunk who will know who you are, (at least, if not in the first part, later on) and will most probably get killed.
   
5. You should make sure you have a hideout. Given the complex nature of your costume and the time taken to change, make sure it is quite remote.
   
6. In case you are not from the Mutant School or the Oracle's drawing room in the matrix, it is imperative that you arm yourself with the latest gadgets like a GPS, a digital watch with date and time in large block letters, a bottle of Gatorade / Jack Daniels (Make sure you sip very carefully, see important note in 1), a mobile phone with a blue tooth headset, etc.
7. Your opponent, or "The Villain", would always be better looking and maybe even win an Oscar.
   
8. Your costume should be designed very carefully. It should have the color Red. This is essential so that oncoming traffic, local trains, occasional planes, and the neighbourhood kid who you will help at least once in every escapade, know who you are. You should also have some sort of symbol embossed near your chest area for quick identification. You can be any size but the suit should always have the six pack.
   
9. You must make it a point to look at your mask (or face in the mirror if you are the "look" guy) and say, "You are the man" before going to bed ever day.
   
10. You should have a nice name. "Photo chromatic Man", "Iwannahumpalotta Man", "Fender Stratocaster Man", "Police Man", "Post Man", etc., are all strict no-no. If you want to be an Indian superhero, I would suggest "Chota Chettri", "Blade Badshah", "Chirkut Circuit", "Romanchak Nanchak Manja", "Bey-imaan Basanti",etc.

So there you are. Due to certain copyright constraints, I cannot divulge the entire information here. Anyway, I hope you have fun. While you save the world, I shall make sure your love interest (if it's a she) is occupied. I will read her stories about your exploits and draw a pie chart about your popularity ratings. In effect, I will take care of her so well that you will eventually forget you had a love interest.

Well, go on, then.

Viva Voce

Hello.

Hello.

What are you?

A carbon based life form. Biped. Mammal. Scientific Name: Homo sapiens neanderthalensis. Common Name: Rude Boy.

OK. I meant your qualification....

Oh that. I am an Engineer. An Instrumentation and Electronics Engineer.

Nice. What is a transducer?

Its a thing with which you can make juices of various kinds. Like fruit juices, vegetable juices, etc. Err...did you say transducer? That's the same thing as a Mixer Juicer, only it has a transformer in it.

Hmmm....what is a relay?

It's that race thingy where skinny runners run with the stick. And then pass it on to the next guy.

What is DSP?

The ESP that you get when you wear a digital watch.

DSP? Digital Signal Processing?

Oh that. That is getting any work done through SMS.

OK. Could you tell me what a JK Flip Flop is?

It's a cheap alternative to Converse. Almost the same price as our Bata lubber chappal.

Any light on Microprocessors? How many Flags, for example?

Depends on the number of countries involved in manufacturing it.

Thank you. I think I've had enough.

No problem. Chillax mate.

Err...Homo neanderthalensis is extinct, for your information.

I know. I am living proof of it.