The Chronicles of Hernia: Prince Thespian

OK. The list is finally out. And the ranking, based on a world wide survey (I don't think it was world wide, they dint ask me) is as follows:

1. Batman
2. Spider man
3. Superman
4. Wolverine
5. Iron man

Maybe this post should have been called "How to be a superhero for dummies", but then, that wouldn't have made sense as much as the current title makes. Anyway, way back in college, we had names for each of us ranging from the "Incredible Ice Cream Melting Man" to "Big Fat Man". Yes, it's the same Big Fat Man, though the IICM man is now married and too busy to be the IICM man. So anyway, here is how you too can become a superhero.

1. Buy your undies carefully. They should be made of Kevlar or any other indestructible compound, be rust proof, bullet proof, weather and temperature proof and able to accommodate various gadgets other than your own. They should also be available in bright color options. IMPORTANT!!! Make sure you take a mighty leak before you go on any world saving missions.
2. You can choose to be masked or you could choose the look, like superman or wolverine. If in case you choose the look, make sure you have a good barber for the hairstyle and beard shaping. In case of a mask, you should design it on your own. It should also incorporate all the qualities of your undies but make sure you can breathe properly. In all cases though, your dentist should be damn good.
   
3. You should always have an alter ego who has the IQ of a toothbrush. He/she should always have a first and a last name and your entire name should only consist of two words, for example, Clark Kent, Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker, Tony Stark.
   
4. Some sacrifices are in order. Your love life, given your undies, will be lousier than lousy. Sorry about that mate, but you will always have an amazingly good looking chick / hunk who will know who you are, (at least, if not in the first part, later on) and will most probably get killed.
   
5. You should make sure you have a hideout. Given the complex nature of your costume and the time taken to change, make sure it is quite remote.
   
6. In case you are not from the Mutant School or the Oracle's drawing room in the matrix, it is imperative that you arm yourself with the latest gadgets like a GPS, a digital watch with date and time in large block letters, a bottle of Gatorade / Jack Daniels (Make sure you sip very carefully, see important note in 1), a mobile phone with a blue tooth headset, etc.
7. Your opponent, or "The Villain", would always be better looking and maybe even win an Oscar.
   
8. Your costume should be designed very carefully. It should have the color Red. This is essential so that oncoming traffic, local trains, occasional planes, and the neighbourhood kid who you will help at least once in every escapade, know who you are. You should also have some sort of symbol embossed near your chest area for quick identification. You can be any size but the suit should always have the six pack.
   
9. You must make it a point to look at your mask (or face in the mirror if you are the "look" guy) and say, "You are the man" before going to bed ever day.
   
10. You should have a nice name. "Photo chromatic Man", "Iwannahumpalotta Man", "Fender Stratocaster Man", "Police Man", "Post Man", etc., are all strict no-no. If you want to be an Indian superhero, I would suggest "Chota Chettri", "Blade Badshah", "Chirkut Circuit", "Romanchak Nanchak Manja", "Bey-imaan Basanti",etc.

So there you are. Due to certain copyright constraints, I cannot divulge the entire information here. Anyway, I hope you have fun. While you save the world, I shall make sure your love interest (if it's a she) is occupied. I will read her stories about your exploits and draw a pie chart about your popularity ratings. In effect, I will take care of her so well that you will eventually forget you had a love interest.

Well, go on, then.

Viva Voce

Hello.

Hello.

What are you?

A carbon based life form. Biped. Mammal. Scientific Name: Homo sapiens neanderthalensis. Common Name: Rude Boy.

OK. I meant your qualification....

Oh that. I am an Engineer. An Instrumentation and Electronics Engineer.

Nice. What is a transducer?

Its a thing with which you can make juices of various kinds. Like fruit juices, vegetable juices, etc. Err...did you say transducer? That's the same thing as a Mixer Juicer, only it has a transformer in it.

Hmmm....what is a relay?

It's that race thingy where skinny runners run with the stick. And then pass it on to the next guy.

What is DSP?

The ESP that you get when you wear a digital watch.

DSP? Digital Signal Processing?

Oh that. That is getting any work done through SMS.

OK. Could you tell me what a JK Flip Flop is?

It's a cheap alternative to Converse. Almost the same price as our Bata lubber chappal.

Any light on Microprocessors? How many Flags, for example?

Depends on the number of countries involved in manufacturing it.

Thank you. I think I've had enough.

No problem. Chillax mate.

Err...Homo neanderthalensis is extinct, for your information.

I know. I am living proof of it.

Kinetica Dynamica Life.

If you would remember, I was ambiguous here.

Well, I have finally decided. I have, to put it simply, put the left indicator and turned right. Let's see where I go from here. I, for one, shall be watching my progress with keen interest.

Zen and the art of Hyderabadi parking.

Hey all, wassup, hello, hi, what ho! and all that.

I've said this before and I shall say it again. Any normal self respecting Hyderabadi normally drives on the road like its family business. I mean, if you took this chappie and put him on Mohammad Ali road in Mumbai (I still like to call it Bombay, tch.), he would drive like Mr. M. Ali was his father. The endorphin/adrenaline kick is well, really a kick here and the absolute lack of any thrill ride parks in Hyd is also explained by this phenomenon called traffic. Death defying stunts and car sequences belittling the scenes in "Ronin" are but a daily occurrence for our subject Mr. M. Ali's son. Suffice to say, if you can drive in Hyderabad, you can drive anywhere on this planet. Which is all good and all that.

But (There is always one, the but, that is.) if you can park in Hyderabad, you can't park nowhere else.
(This sentence, on the whole, is for my American friends who are basically from here but have stayed near the hood for a couple of years and call petrol 'gas', and use double negatives everywhere.)

A typical parking scenario is depicted in the illustrations below:
So there you have it. I can withstand the driving, but please, for the sake of my shattered nervous system and Ursa major, please learn to parallel park. C'mon O Goltis of Goltiland, fear not, for like you can always teach an old dog new tricks, you can also learn to park. For your sons and daughters toil in Boston, Mississippi, and other places, for they call petrol 'gas', for they use 'uh huh, I see that, uh huh' even when talking to Salim chicha with lubber chappal, for whom the USA is "Our country" (I find this tough to tolerate. Alright, so you've stayed there for some time, this still is YOUR country. ), for their sake, learn to forking park.

Muchos Gracias.

12:34:56 7/8/9

Apparently, this is a huge thing. The last time it happened was at 1:23:45 on 06/07/89. All the numbers being in series, that is. The next time will be in 2089 and I, hopefully, will not be alive to see it. So there. It's a huge thing. Given the hugeness of this moment and my inherent awesomeness, I have divined a mantra, applicable till 2089. For the general benefit of the masses, the most awesome mantra, in a line, is this:

"I am unique. Just like everyone else."

Yes. I know. It has already been said by some smarty pants, but I said it here, so it's an original by me. You can get a full version of the divine discourse on blu-ray if you pay me as much as I want.

Anyway, there are 7 couples I know who are in their 8th month of pregnancy. Pretty neat timing, huh? I wish all of them a healthy baby and a healthy life. Personally, to me, a baby is still 9 months of waiting and 19 years of pain. Maybe I'll be flogged for saying that, but I would get flogged anyway.

Also, the monk who bought the Ferrari from the monk who sold it is much smarter.

Here are some pics of the dog.

Anwar Ali's poem

25 Random things about me.

1. There is no situation on this planet that I cannot screw up.

2. God exists. His name, is Calvin.

3. I got kicked out of my kindergarten because my mom told me to be just like I am at home. I was caught atop a wall refusing to come down. Ahem, maybe the fact that I was stark naked while doing so may also have influenced the decision.

4. My nanny used to smuggle milk in a bottle for me at school till the age of 7.

5. I learnt to ride a moped before I learnt to ride a bicycle.

6. I am terrified of heights.

7. I am a surgeon's dream. My attitude towards surgeries surprises the most seasoned surgeons.

8. I am a biker at heart. I will always love two wheels and a motor in between. The optional wind in the hair, is of course, a given.

9. I love my dad totally and totally. Which maybe explains why we cannot be in close geographical proximity.

10. I sing best when I am alone. Same goes for almost anything I do.

11. I love dogs and tigers. I hate domestic cats.

12. I love kids before they become the "I know it all" smart asses.

13. As someone said, I never really grew up. I sometimes behave in public, just for the heck of it.

14. I generally don't make friends. Once I do, even god can't save them.

15. I am the god of sex appeal and banana flavored protein milkshake.

16. I have lost 3 best friends within a month to road accidents. All three were single children.

17. I actually wrote a theses on running a poultry farm when I was in engineering college.

18. I never remember birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I frequently rechristen people.

19. There are very few people who can make me laugh. Real hard.

20. I have an in-built mp4 player in my head.

21. I can drive (in Hyderabad) despite no depth perception.

22. I love chocolate ice cream with extra chocolate sauce and chocolate chips.

23. Given a choice between Pamela Anderson in Baywatch and Pamela Anderson in Barb Wire, I choose Kingfisher strong. Or Jack Daniels. On the Rocks.

24. I am generally lazy.