Puppy Bathday William. OKAY??!!

Kanchan Bhattacharyya: Happy Birthday William!
Erin: oh i thought
...
forget i
Kanchan: ??
Erin: it
Kanchan: say it
Erin: nothing
Kanchan: SAY IT
Erin: good morning anyway
i saw that good mornign william
and i was like ok
good morning
Kanchan: good morning and happy birthday to william shakespeare.
Erin: oh ok
Kanchan: ok...me gotta go
Erin: ok
Kanchan: chat later
Erin: yup
Sent at 11:20 AM on Wednesday
Kanchan: bye
Sent at 11:20 AM on Wednesday
Erin: puppy baathday
Kanchan: to mr.shakespeare
Erin: ess ess
for writing omlette
Sent at 6:06 PM on Wednesday
Kanchan: thou shalt not blaspheme!
Erin: to blasphme or not to blaspheme
Sent at 6:07 PM on Wednesday
Kanchan: that is no question at all!
Erin: oh ok
Kanchan: ok
Erin: ok
Kanchan: ok
Erin: ok
Kanchan: ok
Erin: erm....ok.
Kanchan: ok
Erin: OK.ok?
Kanchan: ok
Erin: ok
Kanchan: ok
Erin: OKAY OKAY OKAY
I GIVE UPOK?
Kanchan: ok
Erin: well, ok
what else?
you bizee?
Sent at 6:15 PM on Wednesday
Kanchan: no
kinda
not sure
Erin: ok
Sent at 6:21 PM on Wednesday
Kanchan: ok
Erin: ok
Kanchan: ok
Erin: ok
Sent at 6:23 PM on Wednesday
Kanchan: ok bye
Erin: ok
Kanchan: ok
Erin: before you go, may i put this eventful conversation on the blog?
Kanchan: ok
Erin: i really enjoyed it
ok
Kanchan: ok
ko
Erin: ok bye
Kanchan: ko
ok ko
Erin: yoko ono
Kanchan: ok bye
ko bye
let it be...
Erin: ok bye

The Love-Philtre of Marvin

Arthur C. Clarke formulated the following three "laws" of prediction:

1. When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

2. The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.

3. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

OK macchan, I had this really amazing dream last night. Don, N.A, K.B are already aware of the dream thanks to gtalk. You remember the movie Deewar, and the scene where AB and Shashi Kapur face off? The ethereal "Kya hai tumhare pass, ai??" wala dialogue? Well, I was Shashi Kapur last night, and AB was, erm....my ex - wife. Led zeppelin was playing "Kashmir" in the background. The scene was the same, the dresses were the same. The heights were not the same. I wont go into the details but the dream ended with me in second standard and saying, "Teacher, mai please go to tie-let?"

Anyway, you remember O. Henry, right? So here goes the Love-Philtre of Marvin, the saddest, most depressing and weirdly funny love story of Marvin*. This was narrated to me by Marvin himself:

Marvin once fell in love with a girl called Zop*. Her beauty was divine and she was a desire worth dying for. Our bloke is OK looking. So, Zop and Marvin planned to get married and lead a happy life ever after or ever before or whatever. (Background music: TA DHAN!! Narration: Lekin Kahani mein twist! Toh aaiye doston, dekhte hai aage kya hota hai...) Marvin had an elder brother who had a love marriage and was divorced. (No. It is not ME.) Ergo, Marvin's mum vehemently refused to accept the proposal. She even refused to see the girl or talk to her or anything like that. She even threatened to commit self - suicide. Meanwhile, Zop's parents had arranged for a US bridegroom for her and plans were more than afoot for the wedding. Zop tried to convince Marvin in so many ways, but he was just so confused. She even called him the day before the wedding, pleading to come and take her away, but he refused. Forget that, she even called him just before she was being taken to the shaadi ka mantap, but he refused again and just wished her a happy married life. She got married, he dint and cried. The fact that someone else is with the person you have loved more than anything is worse than a divorce, (He told me this..) and it literally tore his heart. So, anyway, the marriage happened, the newly wed couple went on a honeymoon, and came back. When they came back, Zop called Marvin to her house to introduce her husband. He went, braving another bout of severe heart break. When they met, she suddenly said she wanted to see Marvin's family, his house, and everything in general. Marvin was shocked, he denied the request. Zop persisted, Marvin dint, or rather, couldn't, and so they reached Marvin's house. Zop spent the next three hours at Marvin's house. Finally, it was time for her to go, and when Marvin was dropping her back to her house, just as they were nearing the gate, Marvin got a call, it was from his mom. Mom said, "Marvin, if only we would have met this girl earlier, we would never have said no."

*Names changed to protect privacy. Also, to protect my skin. In case of any emergency.

Cocaine

I got up with this thought in my head this morning:
Perspective is not about the number of heads you have, its all about your bloody turning radius.

OK. Now that that is that, did you know that (Eric) Clapton, Mark (Knopfler) wrote cocaine and heavy fuel after they ordered their maharaja mac? In fact, so did George (Lucas). He is the guy who thought of star wars. (No. Star wars is not AB Vs. SRK, or whatever, its Jedi, Yoda, Luke skywalker, Chewbacca and all that stuff.)
I recently went to Hyderabad where me and dad were at IMAX. (Don't ask either of us what exactly we were doing there. We were waiting for mom.) There is a Mac outlet there and so me and dad decided to quench our hunger and satiate our thirst. Do you remember Jar Jar Binks?
Here goes the masterpiece: STAR WARS XXI - ATTACK MY MAHARAJA MAC.
You will read the usual titles of what you usually read when you are watching star wars, and then the screen opens to me standing at the counter with Jar Jar attending....

Me: Hi. I’d like to have a filet’o’fish & one Maharaja Mac

J.J: Yessa. Mai takyo dassa. Yessa.

Me: uhhh….filet’o’fish and Maharaja Mac please….

J.J: Yessa…yowa Fitzgerald Phillipe Massa….an thin yelssa?

Me: Erm….

J.J: Yowa cossa, fre fryssa, an thin yelssa?

Me: How much? (That seemed like the safest thing to say.)

J.J: Yessa. Zees nener peassa

Me: (Jean Claude Van Damn). OK bye.

Soon after, I saw Jar Jar jump into the Hussain Sagar Lake.....

Hang on, its not over yet. I forgot to mention this one conversation that was happening behind me between two girls. (hep, hip, self - proclaimed. College going types, on TVS scooty or Honda Dio. In short, typical Hyderabadi GTMCs (Gandhi Turned Mod Chicks))

"Heya, S. what you doing re?"

"Nothing ya, came to see *****, you saw that aa?"

"No ya...K told me we'll see it next week naaa"

"What? You met K aa? Ae tell me what did he say you?"

"(giggle, giggle) Nothing"

WHOP. Dhadam. (The sound in my head. The sound of me crashing.)

Nosferatu

Hello.
As you are all aware, or will be, I am basically a good boy. Some of you seem to be having operational problems/issues with the fact that I am normal. Well, I have deduced it.
I am normal, conclusively because of the following:
1. I dress in formals.
2. I don't smoke around women and children. (Even if the women and children are hard core junkies)
3. I like Parle Tiger biscuits.
QED.
3 is not my lucky number. So, I have stopped there. Should you need any further clarifications / suggestions / amusements / refreshments, please feel free to contact me at the email address which is not mentioned here. Or there.

Hokay, so how is death? (I got bored of the eternal conversation starters like "Whats up? sup? wassup? hows life? yo dawg? bow wow? "and all that.)
N.P wrote a poem and its in the comments of breaking news. I want all the people to read it. I think its an awesome thing. He asked me to celebrate life. Which I did. But, as an afterthought, life told me, that to celebrate, you also need a constant bank balance. Like this:
raat bhar sharab pi to raat kat gayee
subah uth kar hisab ki to gaand phat gayee.
I decided to celebrate life anyway. What the heck, I'll celebrate anything anyway. But I want you guys to be like death. From now on, be the inevitability of life. Laugh at yourself often, and smile at others when you feel like kicking their butt (which I am presuming is, also, often). Realize that your mind has a mind of its own and don't give a damn about what it thinks. Do what you want, take a hike, win awards, and all that sort of thing. Thank you.

(Curtains close, lights become a little brighter, the air con is switched off. One guy to another - "What the fuck was that?", the other guy, "exactly".)

Breaking News!

Breaking News - Something which, as soon as you hear it, causes you to have this uncontrollable urge to break something, like the telly or the news channel's programming directors head.

Breaking news from my life - On the 4th of April 2008, at 16:45, the judge decreed that I am a free man. No regrets, no comebacks. And of course, forget everything, forgive everyone, look forward. Got drunk in a nice way to celebrate the moment.

And there is this person who is my local guardian angel. He will come to any place, any time, just to be there for me. He made this for me yesterday.
To say "Thank you" would be the mother of all understatements dude. Thanks bhaiyya for being there all through. In fact, all my friends can be safely called an epidemic of mass proportions. They will grow on you. All of them are really really weird. And I have no friggin idea why they like me. Thanks (for lack of better words) to Sachin, Kiran, Navin, Rama, Tapati, Ashok, Kanchan, Ajai, Vittal, Cherian, Mohit & all the others, who were there for me. I normally don't take names but what has happened doesn't normally happen to me either mate.

And I also wanted to share this with you guys:
Pic courtesy: SV from Manor Park, London.

IT HERTZ!!

Heya crowd! Howz it hangin in the Indias, the Dubais, the Phillipines, the Atlantas, the Yokohamas, the works?? I currently have two major problems. (I was actually talking to Don on gtalk and Don, if you are reading this, don't read further till you see "eh?". Thanks.)

Hola! So I have two major problems. They are listed below:

1. Universe Problem.

2. Mother of all headaches in stomach Problem.

The universe problem that I have, should not be confused with any universal problem. I will explain it in later sections of this entry.

First, let me concentrate on the second. The massive headache in the stomach problem. I firmly believe now, that my stomach has a mind of its own. I feed it with the same fodder everyday (Breakfast at Venkatadri Vantillu, lunch at office, dinner - 3 Aloo paranthas at panchali), and had orange juice day before yesterday. My stomach was not in the mood for orange juice and refused to digest it. We had a small argument and I thought it was all hunky hunky. (I am a man, so No dory.) But turns out my stomach did not opine as much and had other ideas. The end result is, as you would have guessed by now, loss of considerable weight owing to extreme dehydration and running to the loo every 15 minutes. I have decreed, (I have passed a motion??!!) that I shall live on glucose and other life saving supplements till me and my stomach and my tenant sort this thing out. (24 hours without solid food is maybe making me sound sane.) And, because of this stupid episode, which, also includes me walking temperature (never understood why people always are "running temperature". Mine walks.) I could not call someone on their birthday and sing "puppy bathday to you". But the someone in question was real sweet and called me instead, so I gave a rendition of "puppy bathday to you" at 101 degrees Celsius and with only 4 litres of water in the body. (This water was feeling uncomfortable inside too, and so decided to go take a hike, which it did, throughout the night and through some of the morning.)

"eh?" (Don, you can start reading from here.)

The other problem that I have is with the universe. Oh, I already told you that. The reason for the problem is this:

The basic units in the universe are length, mass and time. Measured by standards called metre, kilogram and second respectively. These units form the basis of science. The whole universe is defined in terms of these three constants. (Or, like N.P from Atlanta would say, they were variables earlier, but Superstar Rajinikanth met them, and they became constants.)

The definitions of these three "constants" was taught to us at school. Fortunately, I never learnt anything there, so I refer to the wiki instead. Anyway, you will find, once you know the definitions of these three things, that they are all relative.

So, we chose to define the fundamentals of our existence on something which is relative. So, the entire universe is bunk. So, shit happens. And life sucks, because if it dint, all of us would fall off.

Thank you.

(Thoroughly disgusted freak who is running high, sorry, very high temperature and is having problems with his stomach, his tenant, his landlord, his dad, his universe, his CEO, and everybody in general. And who just wants to screw up your day too because he is having the greatest grand mother and greatest grand father of headaches in the stomach, temperature which walks, sits down, goes to sleep, smokes marijuana, sleeps, plays minesweeper, etc etc. I don't want to discuss the tenant and landlord thing. )
OK. Wait. I'll tell you.

My tenant told me that he would be vacating the house by 15th April and so I told my landlord that I would be vacating the house by 15th April. My tenant informed me yesterday that he would be vacating the house only by 25th April because the house to which he was supposedly shifting would only be vacated by the 25th April. That was because the current occupants of that house were shifting to another house which would be vacated on the 25th April. So I tell my owner that I would be vacating the house by 25th April and the house owner says,"No. Be a man. Do the right thing. Vacate on 15th April." And then explains that he has already given word to someone that they can move into the house by the 15th of April. And, not surprisingly, it turns out that their house would be occupied on the 15th of April as well. So there. Go figure.

A simply scandalous, blasphemous, sacrilegious, tuesday kind of thought.

If men had periods, would the world be a different place?