Hohumdrumaticism.

Tired? Bored? Depressed? Job screwing you? Can't cook for nuts? Can't do shit about your most awesome non-existent sex life? Have marathon bouts of 'running' temperature and nose? Then here is the answer!

Errr.....two answers, actually.

One. You can pay me 10,000 dollars in cash and I shall give you the ultimate question.

Two. Take your dad down memory lane. I did it last weekend. Drove down to a town called Kakinada, where he grew up. Took pictures of his school, college, the place where he used to hang out, their house, etc.,etc.


I apologize to all the people out there who have cursed, ordered, requested, emailed, called, threatened me to write. But you know, what do you call it? Writer's block. Heh heh.

In other news, single men are better than married men. Because if you are married, your wife is doing everything for you apart from letting you have the idea that you are "responsible". Now, let's see you come back to that, Mr. X the Gyasshole (An asshole basically, unfortunately a gyani too.). (Whoa! Looks like I'm on a coining spree today!)

Ahem. My birthday came and went. Everybody else just came. As in, they arrived. Physically. Went to Golkonda, and was pleasantly surprised by N.K, taking us to the Nizam Saab's house. Nice jam, it was. Next time, let's go drunk. Maybe we'll sound better.

And yeah, this post is dedicated to Nisha and Ajit's wedding anniversary. Good on you guys, I'm sorry I'm a bit late (3 months, I think), but you know me.

OK. Now to A.C for the comment in "Arcane". Dude, let me tell you a small story, which might even be mine:

There was one a man. He had a job, a secure environment to live in (Not like me, I barely make ends meet and am struggling with only two cars and only one house and only two laptops and only one katana.....) and was generally the equivalent of what you might call a good bloke. And as is the general nature of this world, everything is expected to be hunky dory with all these good blokes.
But such was not the case with our man. There was always some unrest, some internal angst, some questions he needed answered to feel inner peace, which is basically the feeling that you should technically get after 4 rounds of JackD + coke followed by Vanilla ice-cream with hot chocolate sauce, but then, to each his own. So this guy one day says to himself, "fuck it all! I've had enough of this dreary meaningless mechanical existence!!! I want to live, but what is it to live? I will ask god." So, he promptly gave god a missed call as he was on a prepaid account and was a little hard pressed on credit, and, exactly after 57,624,9017, 34 missed calls, god called back. And so, our man asked god the meaning of his life. God paused. Our man asked him why he was there on earth, his purpose. God paused. The persistent protagonist that he was, he finally asked god, "Why was I born?". God got tired of pausing. He said, "Because your parents had sex."
QED.

In a world of mediocrity, excellence is a curse. In a relative world, absolute thought, a crime. Need I say more?

The Chronicles of Hernia: Prince Thespian

OK. The list is finally out. And the ranking, based on a world wide survey (I don't think it was world wide, they dint ask me) is as follows:

1. Batman
2. Spider man
3. Superman
4. Wolverine
5. Iron man

Maybe this post should have been called "How to be a superhero for dummies", but then, that wouldn't have made sense as much as the current title makes. Anyway, way back in college, we had names for each of us ranging from the "Incredible Ice Cream Melting Man" to "Big Fat Man". Yes, it's the same Big Fat Man, though the IICM man is now married and too busy to be the IICM man. So anyway, here is how you too can become a superhero.

1. Buy your undies carefully. They should be made of Kevlar or any other indestructible compound, be rust proof, bullet proof, weather and temperature proof and able to accommodate various gadgets other than your own. They should also be available in bright color options. IMPORTANT!!! Make sure you take a mighty leak before you go on any world saving missions.
2. You can choose to be masked or you could choose the look, like superman or wolverine. If in case you choose the look, make sure you have a good barber for the hairstyle and beard shaping. In case of a mask, you should design it on your own. It should also incorporate all the qualities of your undies but make sure you can breathe properly. In all cases though, your dentist should be damn good.
   
3. You should always have an alter ego who has the IQ of a toothbrush. He/she should always have a first and a last name and your entire name should only consist of two words, for example, Clark Kent, Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker, Tony Stark.
   
4. Some sacrifices are in order. Your love life, given your undies, will be lousier than lousy. Sorry about that mate, but you will always have an amazingly good looking chick / hunk who will know who you are, (at least, if not in the first part, later on) and will most probably get killed.
   
5. You should make sure you have a hideout. Given the complex nature of your costume and the time taken to change, make sure it is quite remote.
   
6. In case you are not from the Mutant School or the Oracle's drawing room in the matrix, it is imperative that you arm yourself with the latest gadgets like a GPS, a digital watch with date and time in large block letters, a bottle of Gatorade / Jack Daniels (Make sure you sip very carefully, see important note in 1), a mobile phone with a blue tooth headset, etc.
7. Your opponent, or "The Villain", would always be better looking and maybe even win an Oscar.
   
8. Your costume should be designed very carefully. It should have the color Red. This is essential so that oncoming traffic, local trains, occasional planes, and the neighbourhood kid who you will help at least once in every escapade, know who you are. You should also have some sort of symbol embossed near your chest area for quick identification. You can be any size but the suit should always have the six pack.
   
9. You must make it a point to look at your mask (or face in the mirror if you are the "look" guy) and say, "You are the man" before going to bed ever day.
   
10. You should have a nice name. "Photo chromatic Man", "Iwannahumpalotta Man", "Fender Stratocaster Man", "Police Man", "Post Man", etc., are all strict no-no. If you want to be an Indian superhero, I would suggest "Chota Chettri", "Blade Badshah", "Chirkut Circuit", "Romanchak Nanchak Manja", "Bey-imaan Basanti",etc.

So there you are. Due to certain copyright constraints, I cannot divulge the entire information here. Anyway, I hope you have fun. While you save the world, I shall make sure your love interest (if it's a she) is occupied. I will read her stories about your exploits and draw a pie chart about your popularity ratings. In effect, I will take care of her so well that you will eventually forget you had a love interest.

Well, go on, then.

Viva Voce

Hello.

Hello.

What are you?

A carbon based life form. Biped. Mammal. Scientific Name: Homo sapiens neanderthalensis. Common Name: Rude Boy.

OK. I meant your qualification....

Oh that. I am an Engineer. An Instrumentation and Electronics Engineer.

Nice. What is a transducer?

Its a thing with which you can make juices of various kinds. Like fruit juices, vegetable juices, etc. Err...did you say transducer? That's the same thing as a Mixer Juicer, only it has a transformer in it.

Hmmm....what is a relay?

It's that race thingy where skinny runners run with the stick. And then pass it on to the next guy.

What is DSP?

The ESP that you get when you wear a digital watch.

DSP? Digital Signal Processing?

Oh that. That is getting any work done through SMS.

OK. Could you tell me what a JK Flip Flop is?

It's a cheap alternative to Converse. Almost the same price as our Bata lubber chappal.

Any light on Microprocessors? How many Flags, for example?

Depends on the number of countries involved in manufacturing it.

Thank you. I think I've had enough.

No problem. Chillax mate.

Err...Homo neanderthalensis is extinct, for your information.

I know. I am living proof of it.

Kinetica Dynamica Life.

If you would remember, I was ambiguous here.

Well, I have finally decided. I have, to put it simply, put the left indicator and turned right. Let's see where I go from here. I, for one, shall be watching my progress with keen interest.

Zen and the art of Hyderabadi parking.

Hey all, wassup, hello, hi, what ho! and all that.

I've said this before and I shall say it again. Any normal self respecting Hyderabadi normally drives on the road like its family business. I mean, if you took this chappie and put him on Mohammad Ali road in Mumbai (I still like to call it Bombay, tch.), he would drive like Mr. M. Ali was his father. The endorphin/adrenaline kick is well, really a kick here and the absolute lack of any thrill ride parks in Hyd is also explained by this phenomenon called traffic. Death defying stunts and car sequences belittling the scenes in "Ronin" are but a daily occurrence for our subject Mr. M. Ali's son. Suffice to say, if you can drive in Hyderabad, you can drive anywhere on this planet. Which is all good and all that.

But (There is always one, the but, that is.) if you can park in Hyderabad, you can't park nowhere else.
(This sentence, on the whole, is for my American friends who are basically from here but have stayed near the hood for a couple of years and call petrol 'gas', and use double negatives everywhere.)

A typical parking scenario is depicted in the illustrations below:
So there you have it. I can withstand the driving, but please, for the sake of my shattered nervous system and Ursa major, please learn to parallel park. C'mon O Goltis of Goltiland, fear not, for like you can always teach an old dog new tricks, you can also learn to park. For your sons and daughters toil in Boston, Mississippi, and other places, for they call petrol 'gas', for they use 'uh huh, I see that, uh huh' even when talking to Salim chicha with lubber chappal, for whom the USA is "Our country" (I find this tough to tolerate. Alright, so you've stayed there for some time, this still is YOUR country. ), for their sake, learn to forking park.

Muchos Gracias.

12:34:56 7/8/9

Apparently, this is a huge thing. The last time it happened was at 1:23:45 on 06/07/89. All the numbers being in series, that is. The next time will be in 2089 and I, hopefully, will not be alive to see it. So there. It's a huge thing. Given the hugeness of this moment and my inherent awesomeness, I have divined a mantra, applicable till 2089. For the general benefit of the masses, the most awesome mantra, in a line, is this:

"I am unique. Just like everyone else."

Yes. I know. It has already been said by some smarty pants, but I said it here, so it's an original by me. You can get a full version of the divine discourse on blu-ray if you pay me as much as I want.

Anyway, there are 7 couples I know who are in their 8th month of pregnancy. Pretty neat timing, huh? I wish all of them a healthy baby and a healthy life. Personally, to me, a baby is still 9 months of waiting and 19 years of pain. Maybe I'll be flogged for saying that, but I would get flogged anyway.

Also, the monk who bought the Ferrari from the monk who sold it is much smarter.

Here are some pics of the dog.

Anwar Ali's poem

25 Random things about me.

1. There is no situation on this planet that I cannot screw up.

2. God exists. His name, is Calvin.

3. I got kicked out of my kindergarten because my mom told me to be just like I am at home. I was caught atop a wall refusing to come down. Ahem, maybe the fact that I was stark naked while doing so may also have influenced the decision.

4. My nanny used to smuggle milk in a bottle for me at school till the age of 7.

5. I learnt to ride a moped before I learnt to ride a bicycle.

6. I am terrified of heights.

7. I am a surgeon's dream. My attitude towards surgeries surprises the most seasoned surgeons.

8. I am a biker at heart. I will always love two wheels and a motor in between. The optional wind in the hair, is of course, a given.

9. I love my dad totally and totally. Which maybe explains why we cannot be in close geographical proximity.

10. I sing best when I am alone. Same goes for almost anything I do.

11. I love dogs and tigers. I hate domestic cats.

12. I love kids before they become the "I know it all" smart asses.

13. As someone said, I never really grew up. I sometimes behave in public, just for the heck of it.

14. I generally don't make friends. Once I do, even god can't save them.

15. I am the god of sex appeal and banana flavored protein milkshake.

16. I have lost 3 best friends within a month to road accidents. All three were single children.

17. I actually wrote a theses on running a poultry farm when I was in engineering college.

18. I never remember birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I frequently rechristen people.

19. There are very few people who can make me laugh. Real hard.

20. I have an in-built mp4 player in my head.

21. I can drive (in Hyderabad) despite no depth perception.

22. I love chocolate ice cream with extra chocolate sauce and chocolate chips.

23. Given a choice between Pamela Anderson in Baywatch and Pamela Anderson in Barb Wire, I choose Kingfisher strong. Or Jack Daniels. On the Rocks.

24. I am generally lazy.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

Hey all. 

Long time. 

Happy married life Masta. 

Couch, you and I are very similar. We both love nature. You love wildlife. I love my wild life. You and I love watching birds. You are an ornithologist, I am a hornithologist. It was a pleasure meeting you. Thanks for the flute. 

Big Fat Man sayeth: 

"You will only miss those who make a difference in your life and go."

Beetle, sup?

Nisha, I just read the 25 random things you wrote. "If" is my favorite too. And, ahem, thanks for calling me a fine person ya. 

It is strange that there is now no reference point in my life. It amuses me no end. I actually wrote a huge post about a bag lost in transit. My life is very similar to that. I am lost in transit, I don't know what baggage I am carrying. 

Anyway, I hope all of you guys out there are doing well. Will post something soon.  

Cheers till then. 

"Checchax kanna" starring nimma abhimana Romanchak Nanchak Manja, Silk Smitha Akka Polyester Padmaja, Etc., Etc. Saparivara sameta ivvatte nodi.

Q. Why have there been no blog posts recently?

A. Recession maccha. Re - Session.

I got braces on my teeth, my dog is gay, drove some distance on the highway (thanks to RamK), shifted lock, stock and one smoking katana from V to Hyd, the blog turned one very silently and there are five official followers now.

Met an awesome person who has terminal cancer. I said, "It is amazing that you consciously have the will to live when you know that you are surely going to die." (Deep, what? Original from me.)

The person said, "I don't have an option."

Cheers to you, mate. Go scare the shit out of death. And what with the bald pate and braces, I can join you with the scaring part.

Okay, time to move the frame to face the events of the day. Shift-ho! What? Further updates as the events warrant.

Ciao all, take care and spare a thought for Speedy Gonsalves.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I wanted to say this. If you are a terrorist from any place in the world, or are a Vogon, you can always nuke, bomb, kill, maim, rape, plunder, molest us Indians. We will gladly take it and even give you thirty answers. You can practically do anything you want. And what with our protocol and system and everything, we will not only take months or years to discover that you have done some irrepairable damage, we will also send you peace envoys. The keyword here, is the thirty questions. Don't forget those. We like to give answers. Even when you screw us.

WANTED

A rich, beautiful, cat-eyed, Maharashtrian Brahmin girl who respects family values and loves animals. The candidate should be able to make mouth watering shrikhand. Age and education no bar. Family background would also be given minimal importance. Alliance called for 31 year old Telugu madhwa Brahmin boy who is well educated, handsome and witty. He is handsome in Hyderabad, and witty everywhere else. The boy is well experienced, having real time experience in the nuances of marriage, handling relatives, attending boring functions, etc. The boy has been married only once in his life. The boy has exceptional qualities of patience which are displayed in sari and jewelry shops. The boy has numerous other talents which include, but are not limited to, talking to fish, playing the guitar in a peculiar fashion, suddenly taking U-turns for no apparent reason, randomly buying Adidas shoes, etc. 

Interested parties may please send a huge dabba of freshly made shrikhand for pre-qualification purposes. Brokers/agents please excuse. 

Cupidity.

Hey all. 

I am going to tell you a little story. Let me begin at the end, or end at the beginning. Once you are through with the story, maybe you will understand the reason for my juxtaposition. This is the story of a man. A man whose perspective changed today, on valentine's day. 

Four years ago, the man bought a lot of things to make his house a home. Four years ago. The man dreamt a lot of dreams that he would be in a particular point in life four years later. Today, he sold all those things he bought. He was surprised that all his dreams could only fetch so much. He remembered how his (then) wife and he haggled over the dining table, the wife wanted a six seater, while he was content with four. "All the people we'll ever have over is another sweet couple like us", is what he remembered as having said. How they cribbed and cried at finding the right shade of the dressing table! And the refrigerator,  how he surprised her with that by opening it casually and giving a bottle of water when she had come home from work, saying, "mineral water or regular madam?". The rocking chair on which he had spent so many mornings reading the paper and drinking his tea, the small portable TV which he had since his younger days (which was a constant source of animated discussions), the mattress which he and his wife carefully selected after taking turns jumping on it in full public view, what wonderful memories they are!

And today, he sold all of them. He decided that there will be no more setting up houses. They say that in every man's life, there comes a turning point which completely alters the person's fate, thought and destiny, but what if you have so many turning points in your life, that you turn full circle?

For the first time in four years, the man was feeling terribly lonely, because all those familiar inanimate things on which his dreams were built were languishing in someone else's homes. Maybe those people would build their own dreams on them, who knows? 

Lynrd Skynrd's "freebird" was playing, his mind was nostalgic while his heart said, "Hello world, I am lonely, would you be my valentine?".

Happy Valentine's day. 

Tirupathi trip

Well, its the first time I am going to tell you about a place where I went. 

Trippers: Me, uncle, aunt, mom and dad. 

Tripped: Tirupathi, Golden Temple (Sripuram - Vellore), kanipakam.

Tirupathi - Got my head shaved. Saw Mr. Balaji. He is fine and conveys his best regards to all. Uncle got letters from Chief Minister, Home Minister, Minister of state for endowments. Dad looked pukka politician with head shaved and those shady ray bans. The last time he went bald was in 1963. I, for once, was happy that we both had the same amount of hair on our heads (Both dad and uncle have awesome hair and hairstyles - Hair transplant, here I come). Went around Tirumala to see Mr. B's feet, kalatoranam, etc. All in all, a good thing to do. They say that when you see Mr. B, you gotta tell him something, I miss all the time. But this time, I told him. I said, "the last time I was here, I had a wife, a secure job, a back, a bullet. This time, I don't have any. How would you like to see me the next time?". 

Golden temple - This you must see. The entire temple is gold plated. Very beautiful. Very gold. Very out of the ordinary. Very commercial. This temple is about 130 Km from Tirupathi. 

Kanipakam - Mr. Ganesh's temple. He is awesome. I like him. Given straight VIP treatment - thanks to dad's shaved head.  

Am back in the beach city for now. Will move out soon. This is for someone out there who just told me what had happened in their life:

When life gets tough, and you don't want to dance, 

go on, break a leg, take a chance.

When nothing makes sense, and opportunity doesn't  give you a second glance, 

go on, break a leg, take a chance. 

When the world turns grey, and there is dust all over your plans, 

go on, break a leg, take a chance. 

When everyone is traveling, and you haven't seen France, 

go on, break a leg, take a chance. 

For this life is all about guts, glory and romance, 

go on, break a leg, take this chance. 

Ringa ringa roses.

I am currently traveling in all directions. My mind has gone west, my back is down south, my stomach is still deciding (read 'going round and round'), so all in all, its pretty hectic. In all statistical probability considering the metaphysical laws of how banana peels can make you trip better than weed, I am moving out of the beach and coming back to the city where I was borun. By the way, I was borun in a place called Dangoria Nursing Home. Which also happens to the birthplace of my ex-wife. Which explains a lot of things. (If ever I have a child, I will tell him/her that he/she was born in a hospital called 'Rock Gods & Super Heroes Super Speciality Super Maternity Hospital') Roger Federer lost, everyone is losing jobs, my pod is not working. This world is coming to an end, I'm telling you.

I will be back as soon as the XIIth round table conference of my body parts happens and all of them agree to stay at one place, even if not very together.

Violinist in the Metro

A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousand of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule.A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk.A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him,but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the violinist.Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over,no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston and the seats average $100.This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of an social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?

Arcane

Why is it that in our country any person who has crossed 30 and is single considered not to be considered?

Don't start the "get married and then you will know" wala funda. 

I got married. I saw. Which is the reason why I am single. Everywhere I go, people ask me about my family, I tell them they are fine, then comes the question about the kids. I tell them I don't have any. Then comes the wife wala question and the divorce wala answer. Then its the oh I am sorry wala reaction. Please people, you were not the reason for the divorce, don't be sorry about it. I goofed up, I owned up, I am back living my life my way. Yes, divorce is a painful aspect, but why can't you see that I am free? Why should I be reminded of the past? Why can't I be free from all bonds? It is normal human tendency to cling on to the negative patches in one's life. I have wired myself differently, I try and cling on to the positive. Is that wrong? If I look sad or morose, maybe it just means that I am missing smoking or drinking or something like that. How on earth does that connect to my being single? It's like if you don't get married, you got no soul. That, to me, is effing stupid. 

Went on a recent trip to our ashram. Everyone there wants me to get married. That's why this outburst.  Some comments / phone calls to cheer me up on this effing thing from your effing selves would be effiing nice. 

Sanskrit

If you are ambidextrous, does it mean you are ambiguous?

Right up until now, I was quite OK. Blissfully ignorant and all that. But ever since a thought came into my head yesterday night, the beatific smile on my face is twitching. You see, I figured that I am at the crossroads, only in my case, there are two paths that I can go by. One path is where I lead my life, the other is where my life leads me. If I chose to lead my life, I know that somewhere there will be a glorious defeat. And if life leads me, there will be a victory which I shall not be proud of. The current status of various aspects of my life is surmised below:

Professional - OK. TATA. Horn Please. Buri nazar wale tera muh kala. 

Personal - OK. TATA. Horn Please. Buri nazar wale tera muh kala.

Love life - OK. TATA. Horny Please. 

And to complicate matters further, I've got this big fix now. Which path do I take? What choice do I make?

BOOM!

(Bright light, booming voice in Dolby surround)

"Put the left indicator and turn right." 

Vagabond vagaries.

"Have you ever had a near death experience?"

"Sure. I was married once."

__________________________________

I most probably maybe might mayen loseth my job. So, I plan to sell my car. 

(I really don't know if I have lost it already, or I will be, or am losing it as I currently type. Hence the tense use of the tense.)

My only regret would be that none of my "friends" have visited my house. (With the only exception of Beetle Billy Dilly). RamK, Couch, Big Fat Man, Khadar, Etc. etc., this is the last call to see my house and drink Black dog. 

Which brings me to the point of discussion. It's been one year since I took my "Hiatus from humanity". Let's see what I learnt/did. 

1. Cooking. 

I can make delicious puliogare with MTR ready mix. (Give me any MTR powder, vangi bath, sambar powder, biryani, tomato rice, anything, and I will make puliogare out of it. It is not easy, OK. If you have drunk your mother's milk and father's whiskey, do it and show.)

2. Quit Smoking. 

3. Quit Drinking*.

* Except Bourbon and Scotch.

4. Bought nice clothes, new sunglasses and a business phone for myself. 

5. Downloaded discographies of all my favorite bands. 

6. Built a library. 

7. Got Malaria, Fluid in the lungs, Muscle twitches, etc. 

8. Bought an awesome bed with an orthopedic mattress. 

9. Managed the personal retinue: Mani (Maid), Appa Rao (Watchman cum Car cleaner - Lousy fellow), Prasad (Dhobi), Seenu (Cable TV & Milk), Venu (Newspaper), Srinivas (Internet) and others. (Electricians, Plumbers, etc.)

10. Designed furniture and did the interior decoration for my house. 

11. Never attended a meeting of the Flat owner's association. 

12. Became very attached to the guitar. Maybe because there was no human company. 

13. Started this blog. Started sketching. 

Well. That's all that I can think of. Do any of the above mentioned aspects justify cutting off from friends and family? When I told you guys that I would be leaving for this place, a lot of you asked me the same thing. Why? I really don't know. But sometimes, you have to be alone. All by yourself. I guess I chose to be alone because I'd forgotten how to amuse myself. I am content now. Not sad, not happy, just plain content. And though I've said it so many times, I will say it again. Thanks dudes. You know who you are. For giving me cooking tips, for making me feel at home in my house, for coming down all the way just to be with me (when you could get that Tennessee whiskey right next to you!), for calling me up every single day, for taking remote control care of me, for buying me the most beautiful birthday gift ever, for making me feel special, for telling me the best places to eat, for egging me on with every nonsense (like this blog), for telling me that I am the most amazing guitarist you've ever heard, and most of all, for helping me find myself. 

My life.

Yes. It is like that. 

No. I don't make up or do anything major to alter the course of events. 

My life. 

God's own sitcom. 

The Party

Prelude:

This life that you lead is full of anecdotes, stories, etc. The basis of all these mistakes, blunders, spoofs, goof ups etc., is presumption. You presume. The basis of the following story too, is a presumption. That cops cannot make out the difference between iced tea and whiskey on the rocks. 

I hope you had a nice new year party. I am going to describe one. It may or may not be mine. It may or may not have occurred. There might or might not be a disclaimer or claimer to this story. Well, you get it, all events depicted in the following chronicle are completely based on fiction. Any resemblance to any person / motor car / whiskey , living or dead is purely co-incidental and unintentional. So.

19:40:

Oh shit!! I am going to be late!! Damn, I gotta drive some distance.... anyway, time to move the butt...Ok Amma, Nanna (Mom & Dad)... so long... have a happy new year!! I'll be back tomorrow by about 9, then I'll take you to your meeting. (Dad leaving for Portugal for important business meet. I am supposed to drop him to a preliminary meeting. I will. For now, hug mom and dad, kiss the dog, tighten jeans, shove the guitar in the boot, get out of the house.)

19:58

I wish I could take one for the road... who'd know the difference between whiskey on the rocks and iced tea anyway? (Wicked smirk. Head banging listening to "Ramble on".)

20:24

Hello? Yeah, Khadar...I'm on my way dude...will be at your place in about 20... yeah, I got the Guitar..... yeah man, there sure is a lot of traffic.... yeah.... see you soon... ciao.

(Some random phone calls in between wishing me a new year, or asking me if I'd need any loan, various kinds of text messages too.)

21:04

Damn. This traffic is killing me.... I don't want to spend the new years stuck in my car! Whoa... and there are so many cops... well... cheers to them. (Wicked smirk again)

21:05

Oh hi. This? This is iced tea. What? That? I know, that's a breath analyzer, but I am quite OK, it was just iced tea. What? The analyzer says I'm drunk? That damn thing must be made in China. What? It is? And you are going to put my in jail or something? What? you are not going to? you are going to seize my car? Holy shit! arrest me but leave my car alone... It is my dad's. Bhagwan ke liye mere gaadi ko chod do, officer, mai tumhare paira padthu. (That Hyderabadi had to come.)

21:37

Yeah, dude... I'm at Begumpet, I am stuck in traffic. Big time. I'll call you... wait.

21:54

Call khadar or RamK and explain the situation. Best thing to do. Both are unreachable. Nice day to be unreachable. Wait, I got Khadar's line. Yeah, dude, where are you? OH....you are there... OK.... can you come to Kacheguda Police station? Yeah, I know it's like 30 Km, but can you? I am at the police station. Thanks man. 

22:30

Listen to this with 20 odd strangers who have been "collected" like me. 

"Tum loga cara vara chalate.... suita boota pehente... kai ku hamari zindagi ka dimaag kharab karte yaaron? Ab jaare ich peene ko na... kaiku gaadi mein ich shuru ho jaana? thoda ruke to aasma gir jaati? "

(Translation: You guys drive cars, wear suits, why the hell are you intent on making our (the cops) lives miserable? You were anyway going to some place to get drunk, must you start while you are still driving there? Would the skies fall if you wait?)

Around 23:15

Khadar walks in, can't figure out what to do, so decides to join the fun.

23:30

"All of you can go, but what to do? Formalities are formalities, and rules are rules, so please fill up these 5 million forms and pay these 253 million challans and then you can leave, but the vehicles will only be given to you in the morning."

Wait. My dad has a meeting in the morning. Shit. 

Sir, please.... my wife is pregnant, I have to be at the hospital... in fact, I got drunk because I was nervous, I was not going to any party. Please give me my car. It's a medical emergency. (My brother has periods, anyone?)

Cops generally say this when they don't agree with you. 

"All of you can go, but what to do? Formalities are formalities, and rules are rules, so please fill up these 5 million forms and pay these 253 million challans and then you can leave, but the vehicles will only be given to you in the morning."

 

23:41

Still filling up the forms and paying those fines. Formalities my posterior. 

23:42

Wait. Brainwave. We'll celebrate it right here. Get the cake. Listen guys, fate got us here, so let's celebrate. What say?

23:58

And here's the cake. 

00:00

Happy new year everyone. May this new year bring you your cars back. 

00:03

Yeah man... wish you the same... thanks... you wanna know how I spent my new years... ha ha ... I was at THE PARTY man....